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E-Mailtainment

by Amy Zidell

02.21.02

I just finished trudging through my e-mail in-box and I'm little confused. I've received some e-mails offering to increase my bust size and others offering to add inches to my penis. How is this possible? There were also e-mails about losing inches and weight. Well that just about negates the previous e-mails. Get inches in one place; get rid of them some place else. Why would anyone want to do that? Doesn't make too much sense.

Maybe the e-mail senders or SPAMMERS have their gender directions wrong. Or, they could be trying to promote gender reassignment. I'm just not sure how effective a mass mailing for a niche item like that will be. I hope it's a mass mailing, otherwise someone's got a lot of signals crossed. First of all, I'm not touching my breasts at all. After the painful experience of my first mammogram, of which I have every intention of writing about soon, my 'come as they are' policy for them is only strengthened. Secondly, I don't have a penis. It is reassuring to know however, that I can pretty much buy any size that I want online and, if I find a fellow who happens to be lacking in that area, I'll just forward him my e-mail. I'm sorry, that probably falls under the too much information category.

Maybe it's this circular economic model that caused so much problem with the dot com collapse. Convince people they need something and sell it to them. Then convince them they need to buy something else to get rid of what they needed previously: mutually exclusive partnering. Sounds almost as viable as businesses offering movie times online. Online Viagra sales fits right in this illogic. It's being marketed online more commonly than ink cartridges or toner. This and other related products are being pushed to many many more than those who really need a boost. Judging from the quantity of promotions, this is a much larger problem than I ever conceived. And while the e-mail subject lines they send push the idea of, "pleasing your woman," did these people stop to ask themselves if they've really got the solution to that problem? Talkagra, Spineagra, Commitmentagra, or Get-A-Clueagra may be more effective preparations to this end. Alas, their results would not be as visually obvious; that must make them harder to push.

If one lived life based on e-mail promotions alone, I suppose the hip guy's idea of a dream date would be spending an evening with his special someone watching hot girl on girl action online, while popping Viagra. (Clue -- if she enjoys that entertainment selection, you're probably wasting your money on the Viagra. She has other interests; and no, she's not bringing her girlfriend over.)

Oh joy, I just got more e-mail. Let's see... offers for credit cards and offers to consolidate debt. In the magical world that e-mail is, it makes perfect sense.


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