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Good Vibrations: PMS, A Prostate and the Razor

by Amy Zidell

9.06.00

I went to buy feminine products the other day -- not the kind testosterone laden boyfriends won't push in a cart -- but products for feminine people only: a ladies electric razor and PMS tablets.

Seemingly an elusive item, based on earlier quests, I am happily surprised when I discover a Norelco Lady Razor behind the counter, near the film, at a local drugstore. The razor is battery powered, not electric. I look at two models, both cordless. One runs on regular batteries, the other runs on rechargeable batteries. The clerk suggests the rechargeable model is better because it is more powerful. I'm not sure what he expects I will be shaving with these items but horsepower isn't a real concern.

Opening the packages, I discover pink flesh toned phallically mimical devices that vibrate their razor heads at a button stroke. The male clerk supposes these items do not sell because of their price, around $30 for the regular battery model and around $46 for the rechargeable battery model. No. I don't think price is quite the reason these babies aren't selling. These things aren't selling because they look like defective, deformed male parts. I'm telling you shaving with a vibrating fleshy colored plastic misshapen male member is not an appealing prospect to most women. My suggestion to Norelco: If you want to market an adult toy don't hide it in a shaver, and, please don't forget to take the razor part off.

Why is it that women who likely have smaller hands then men are faced with wide handled razor choices? All we need is a good grip not an intimate experience. The color is the real killer here. Why not make the products in those typically stupid frilly pastel colors assumed to be embraced by women worldwide? Men's razors come in dignified charcoal grey, like nice sedans. They are compact in size. I'm surprised the geniuses behind the electric razors aren't turning out male version flesh toned devices shaped like breasts with rotating flexible nipple blade heads.

This women's razor product is likely the result of a disgruntled employee now working for a Taiwan based company exporting blatantly adult toys. One more tip: next time, conduct market research for new razor models in a group setting. Don't send volunteers home alone with vibrating test products.

My disappointment in finally locating an electric razor after numerous previous failed ventures only to find them to be vibrating plastic penile rejects needing reconstruction, was aggravated by my momentary insanity, or, in other letters, PMS.

I'm an avid label reader so I set out to read all of the labels of all of the PMS preparations to make sure I get the one containing the magic potion that worked so soothingly in the past.

Locating the PMS tablets is a challenge in itself. Is this wise store planning? They are nowhere particularly easy to find. They are not commingling in the headache, cold or allergy aisles. Would a little cross-reference product placement hurt here? They are in fact located in the feminine aisle containing products I wouldn't want my mom to see. Haven't there been enough reports that PMS is a real medical condition, and not just whinny hysterical women, to warrant better shelf space? Why relegate this product to what they might as well call the "hysterical" section? A product dealing with a real medical condition ought to be located where other real medical problem treatments are found -- not stuck with the condoms.

There I am eye-level with reservoir tips and promises of ribbed sensations, far too cranky to imagine, let along contemplate. At this moment lubrication is the last thing on my mind. I need a sedative not reduced friction!

Reading the label of the PMS tablets for treatment of multiple premenstrual symptoms, I find this in the warning: "...Do not use this product if you have trouble urinating due to an enlarged prostate." I consider briefly whether I would prefer an enlarged prostate or the brilliant epiphany that I'm incapable of knowing who's right for me and should just resolve to find a bridge and be a hermit because that would be hassle-free. I'll pass on the prostate. Heck, I'll pass on the bridge too; it's just the PMS talking. I lose a great deal of confidence in the PMS tablet manufacturer at this point. If they don't know that someone with a prostate doesn't have, won't ever get and never had PMS, I start to wonder if they know what they are doing. Maybe dosing has changed since I last bought this, and now men are taking PMS medication when women around them have PMS. I wasn't aware these pills now had extended radius safety-force-field capacity. We're always learning.

Continuing to read the warning label, I come to this section, "...may cause excitability in children... ." If someone suffers from PMS are they still considered a child? It would seem considering someone with PMS a child a bit passť or at least inaccurate. So what, now kids are suffering from PMS and ADD simultaneously? What's that get us? An aggravated kid with a short attention span? I know that kids are growing up fast today but there's got to be a limit.

I put the package down and leave. I don't buy anything. I wonder if I should try the fleshy vibrating razor. Maybe that will help me relax. No, I'll just suffer quietly, if I can, and wear long pants. I don't want to end up with a childishly enlarged prostate. I can tolerate my bad mood even if no one else can. It's hard being a woman but it's even harder to shop as one.

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