The Mindless Sex Patch

by Amy Zidell


Have you seen the birth control patch commercial?

The slogan is: On your body, off your mind.

On the surface the slogan seems fine, even mildly clever, but let's take a closer look.

On your body, off your mind. This suggests jumping a few grades and graduating from mere casual sex to outright mindless sex. That can't be much fun. Mindless sex implies you aren't paying attention. If that's the case, it's not good enough to count. It could suggests a lack of consciousness and therefore lack of consent, but at least while you're worried about being assaulted you don't have to spare a thought about getting pregnant. A good rule of thumb to apply: Only engage in sexual activity if you're paying attention. You're much less likely to pull a muscle.

Forget worrying about pregnancy, there's enough other things to worry about anyway. The tactful slogan is unveiled after a commercial touting the benefits of pregnancy control but not protection against a plethora of diseases you're still subject to while using the patch or other non-barrier type birth control methods: HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis C, increased cervical cancer risk, and all the other pesky more mundane STDs.

I wonder, after having sex when using the patch, do you stick a nicotine patch on for a nice little denouement?

The commercial sexes up the hormone laced patch showing a bra strap, panty lines, unzipped pants, and bare skin to demonstrate the various, 'discreet' locations where the patch can be applied. So why hold back when it comes to the slogan? I believe a far more up-front, direct, and honest slogan would have greater impact. Here are a few alternatives:

  1. Patch on, clothes off.
  2. Empty your mind, fill your  ­  ­  ­  ­ . (I'm sorry it's just too rude to write out.)
  3. The Patch: Makes you barren like the desert and your mind.
  4. If you don't pay attention, it seems to last longer.
  5. Blow your mind, and everything else.
  6. Fornicate; don't procreate.
  7. It doesn't count, if it's off your mind.
  8. Stick that patch on, and stick it to me.
  9. On your body, like the guy with the penis and the sperm.

[A classic piece that might go nicely with this one It's So Easy]

2002 Amy Zidell

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